I believe I have had depression my entire life, but was not diagnosed until about a year and a half ago. I didn’t notice anything was wrong until I was in high school and considered going to counseling a couple times, but the sadness would go away enough that I could function again. This went on for ten more years. My husband, who had seen the signs of depression with his own mother, would often tell me I needed to see someone about it, but the sadness and darkness would go away again and I thought I was fine.
Then a year and a half ago we moved away for my husband’s work. We left our comfort zone and many of our close friends. I didn’t know anyone in our new area and the people at church weren’t very friendly. The sadness and darkness all came back to a point that I could barely function, just enough to maybe shower and feed myself daily. The rest of my time was spent sitting on the couch in front of the TV where I could get away from reality. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. Doing the simplest chore around the house would exhaust me and I would have to sit and rest for a while afterwards. Thinking about doing any work or going anywhere overwhelmed me. I knew that I needed help.
The first thing I did was made an appointment with a counselor. I was completely against taking medication because I thought it would mess me up somehow and I didn’t think I was severe enough. The moment I sat down in the counselor’s office I started sobbing and she knew I was about to have a nervous breakdown just by looking at me. She told me I needed to see my primary care doctor about some antidepressants. She explained that antidepressants would just get my brain functioning right so she could do her job more effectively, and that they would help with the lack of energy too. A couple days after being on the medication I felt so much better, but I knew that the counseling is what would really help me get better.
That next year I spent one day a week in her office. She was an amazing counselor and I trusted her completely. We got down to the bottom of what was making me so unhappy. I learned that because of some traumatic things that had happened to me while I was young, I was terrified of being rejected by others, I have a low self esteem, which I am still working on daily, and I learned that I stuff my feelings so much that at times I blow up, in the form of these depressed episodes. By knowing these things about myself helped me know how to fix them. I now know that it’s okay if someone tells me no and it’s not something I need to take personal. I read a book called “Self-Esteem” which completely described me and helped me learn how to change the way I think and also helped me understand why I sometimes feel the way I do. My counselor taught me ways to stick up for myself and voice my opinion on things I did not agree with or did not like. Journaling has been a very helpful tool. My counselor would often tell me that depression used to be called an inward expression of anger. I did feel very angry inside and I didn’t know why. Journaling helped me get those feelings out of my head and into words so I could understand what I was actually feeling.
It felt like a long time before I felt normal again. One thing that has been most helpful to me was exercise. Eventually my energy came back enough that I could exercise hard again. I hate exercise and will probably forever hate it, but the feeling you get after you exercise is an amazing high! I’m happy to say that I am no longer taking medication for depression and I know it’s first because I recognize my feelings and know how to handle them, and second because I exercise regularly.
Even though I feel normal and happy again I realize I could have a relapse any time. So I have continued to keep a journal, I try to get out of the house and socialize with other people/adults, I exercise and try to eat healthy, and I set goals and accomplish them giving me things to look forward to.
-Anonymous